Between the ages of twelve and fourteen I was hospitalized in a sanitarium where I underwent shock therapy. Beginning at 8 AM the medical team would enter my room, give me an injection, attach leads to my temples, place a tongue guard in my mouth, and then proceed to shock my brine for the next two hours. Once completed I was given a warm sweet surgery drink and then heavily medicated. This treatment lasted for two years. It was hell on earth!
My father was a prominent minister in the Seventh-day Adventist Church and he wasn’t about having a "queer son". Therefore, to save face with the denomination he sent me away to be “cured”. He would occasionally visit, stay for about fifteen minutes, then leave. His visits were primarily to discuss my treatment plan with my physicians. As for physically visiting with me, honestly, I really don’t recall his presence at all.
Though forbiddened, my mother would visit once a week. In order to visit she would have to sneak out of the house, travel for two hours by train and taxi to reach the sanitarium. She would sit with me for about two or three hours then make her journey home. Due to being drugged, I really don’t remember much about her visits, but I knew she was there. On occasions my father would find out and order her to never see me without his permission. Regardless, my mother faithfully visited.
My father and mother never visited me together. Instead, he would bring my step-mother … they were not married at the time.
At the ripe age of nine I knew that something was different about me. I wasn’t sure as to what or why, nevertheless I knew in my heart that I had attractions towards men. At the age of ten I experienced my first sexual encounter with a man and it was then I realized I was attracted to the same sex. No, I didn't understand it, but I knew. And for the next two years I was sexually involved with this man ... his name was Hiroshi. Our relationship lasted three years.
One day my father came to me and asked if I was having sex with Hiroshi. Since I was taught not to lie I told him the truth. Yes! He became angry and then proceeded to beat me with the sowing machine belt until my back and buttocks was raw and bleeding. While beating me he told me that he loved me, that Jesus loved me, but because of my sin he and Jesus could not love me unless I asked forgiveness and never had sex with another man. Naturally, I apologized to stop the beating and from that day forward I never engaged sexually with another man because it was more important to be loved by my father and Jesus rather than experiencing the rather of both. However, deep down inside I was struggling and the more I struggled the feelings I was dealing with intensified to which I finally gave in. Shortly thereafter I was shipped off to the sanitarium to be “cured”.
After two years of excruciating pain and torment I was released. I returned home to resume a “normal” life along with counseling. And for the next five years I behaved myself for fear I would be returned to hell on earth, the sanitarium. I turned my attention to girls cause it was the right and expected thing to do.
It was in boarding academy that I had my third encounter with another man ... his name was Mike. However, the quilt and torment that followed was agonizingly painful. After my encounter with Mike I would shower for an hour to clean myself off. And for four years I lived life in constant fear of not being saved, as well as being found out.
My father was a prominent minister in the Seventh-day Adventist Church and he wasn’t about having a "queer son". Therefore, to save face with the denomination he sent me away to be “cured”. He would occasionally visit, stay for about fifteen minutes, then leave. His visits were primarily to discuss my treatment plan with my physicians. As for physically visiting with me, honestly, I really don’t recall his presence at all.
Though forbiddened, my mother would visit once a week. In order to visit she would have to sneak out of the house, travel for two hours by train and taxi to reach the sanitarium. She would sit with me for about two or three hours then make her journey home. Due to being drugged, I really don’t remember much about her visits, but I knew she was there. On occasions my father would find out and order her to never see me without his permission. Regardless, my mother faithfully visited.
My father and mother never visited me together. Instead, he would bring my step-mother … they were not married at the time.
At the ripe age of nine I knew that something was different about me. I wasn’t sure as to what or why, nevertheless I knew in my heart that I had attractions towards men. At the age of ten I experienced my first sexual encounter with a man and it was then I realized I was attracted to the same sex. No, I didn't understand it, but I knew. And for the next two years I was sexually involved with this man ... his name was Hiroshi. Our relationship lasted three years.
One day my father came to me and asked if I was having sex with Hiroshi. Since I was taught not to lie I told him the truth. Yes! He became angry and then proceeded to beat me with the sowing machine belt until my back and buttocks was raw and bleeding. While beating me he told me that he loved me, that Jesus loved me, but because of my sin he and Jesus could not love me unless I asked forgiveness and never had sex with another man. Naturally, I apologized to stop the beating and from that day forward I never engaged sexually with another man because it was more important to be loved by my father and Jesus rather than experiencing the rather of both. However, deep down inside I was struggling and the more I struggled the feelings I was dealing with intensified to which I finally gave in. Shortly thereafter I was shipped off to the sanitarium to be “cured”.
After two years of excruciating pain and torment I was released. I returned home to resume a “normal” life along with counseling. And for the next five years I behaved myself for fear I would be returned to hell on earth, the sanitarium. I turned my attention to girls cause it was the right and expected thing to do.
It was in boarding academy that I had my third encounter with another man ... his name was Mike. However, the quilt and torment that followed was agonizingly painful. After my encounter with Mike I would shower for an hour to clean myself off. And for four years I lived life in constant fear of not being saved, as well as being found out.
Finally, I came to the point where I had enough. I concluded that since I wasn’t savable, that my father would hate me, and society would reject me it would be better for me to end my life and one afternoon I unsuccessfully attempted suicide.
For years I prayed asking God to remove these “unnatural” desires from my life. I would attend retreats, seek counseling, date girls, do whatever it took to erase a side of me that was deemed unnatural and sinful. I struggled with every ounce of my being to become "normal", however the change I so desperately wanted and sought never came about.
While laying in bed recovering I opened my bible and read the following passage; "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." -Jeremiah 1:5 NIV
After reading this verse I realized that God knew ahead of time as to the type of life I would live. He knew that I would be different. That I would be hated and rejected, and still He allowed me to come into this world just as I was meant to be.
For years I prayed asking God to remove these “unnatural” desires from my life. I would attend retreats, seek counseling, date girls, do whatever it took to erase a side of me that was deemed unnatural and sinful. I struggled with every ounce of my being to become "normal", however the change I so desperately wanted and sought never came about.
While laying in bed recovering I opened my bible and read the following passage; "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." -Jeremiah 1:5 NIV
After reading this verse I realized that God knew ahead of time as to the type of life I would live. He knew that I would be different. That I would be hated and rejected, and still He allowed me to come into this world just as I was meant to be.
Not long afterwards my father took me to the back door, opened it, pushed me through, then closed and locked the door. Through the window my father's last words were; "You'll never amount to anything. Never set foot in my house again". I was sixteen, on the streets and left to fend for myself.
From that point forward I never looked back. Instead, I focused forward and chose to live my life not as a gay man, but a man with conviction that it’s not important to seek God’s favor by changing who I was. After all, He had so wonderfully created me and it was up to me to live my life to the best of my ability.
Today, I am at peace with God and myself concerning my sexual orientation. My sexual orientation or preference is a none-issue! I sincerely do not believe that either being straight or gay is an issue with God. It’s more about the walk and how we live our lives with all that we are given that God cares most about. Instead, it’s man that gives importance to whether one is straight or gay. And because of manmade rules, many suffer needlessly at the hands of the church and it’s members.
One day Christian’s will have to give account to God for how they treated their children who are different. Many Christian parents cast their children out of their lives to avoid the shame it would bring to their status in the church. Likewise, churches have turned their backs on individuals who struggle daily with their orientation. The religious community as a whole has spiritually and emotional murdered the tender souls of thousands of gays and lesbians simply because they were offensive and evil. All I can say is shame on you!
In the end, the church and it’s membership will have a great deal to answer for. This silly notion that everyone has to be straight in order to be saved is the most ridiculous theory ever concocted ... it's not even scriptural!
Yes, over the years things have changed. However, it is mainly the religious community who continues to observe this bazaar notion that being gay is an abomination to God … to this is say, bullshit!
By no means, is my story unique. Countless others have endured the same fate. What I’ve shared with you is just a small slice of my life and all that I endured. Honestly, I’m really surprised that I’ve survived. Yes, I’ve had to deal with the damage, however with counseling life has become a peaceful place to be. And I can honestly say with utter conviction that God has blessed me in ways unimaginable and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that He is constantly nearby and continues to move in my life.
I am God’s design. I am wonderfully created and it is He that will make all things right and perfect in the end. And till that day when I see Him face to face I will live my life as He so saw fit even before I was an apple in my daddies eyes. The cross that was mine, I no longer carry … It is well with my soul.
By no means, is my story unique. Countless others have endured the same fate. What I’ve shared with you is just a small slice of my life and all that I endured. Honestly, I’m really surprised that I’ve survived. Yes, I’ve had to deal with the damage, however with counseling life has become a peaceful place to be. And I can honestly say with utter conviction that God has blessed me in ways unimaginable and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that He is constantly nearby and continues to move in my life.
I am God’s design. I am wonderfully created and it is He that will make all things right and perfect in the end. And till that day when I see Him face to face I will live my life as He so saw fit even before I was an apple in my daddies eyes. The cross that was mine, I no longer carry … It is well with my soul.
No comments:
Post a Comment