Well, I can't say my ex-gay experience or therapy was as severe as the young man in this story, but it is rooted in the same thing: you have something that is unwanted.
Unwanted by God.
Unwanted by Society.
Unwanted by Businesses.
And so you come to believe that you too don't want this. I professed in Church, in therapy, signed agreements for specialized retreats to agree that it was I who didn't want this and time and time again tried different methods to heal and incorporate more "masculinity" in my life to diminish "unwanted same sex" attractions. So maybe you are like me, you've cried till you couldn't physically cry anymore, you've prayed, visualized, done hair raising psycho drama beating pillows, hugging your dead father etc. etc. Not all that bad, but you wrestle with the same thing....you have something called "unwanted". Except for you, its like climbing Mt. Everest to even near rid yourself of. People in your church can gossip, get divorced, and recover. But not you...because your thing is more twisted then rest. They say it is sin like any other sin but yet treat you differently if you begin to talk about it.
I know what you are thinking. Its in the Bible, you feel the presence of God in your life and your convinced homosexuality is a sin. You probably have people right around you that say "hate the sin, love the sinner".
If that's enough for you, then I would ask, how's that working for you? I imagine you are reading this because you are struggling for perhaps several years, you have doubts. I'm going to tell you what helped me and I'm still a Christian today.
I proposed early on my Christian walk and ex-gay walk that I would examine all sides of different faiths and different arguments. This is because I saw everyone outside of my faith as being brainwashed by the culture and "false" religion they grew up in. I believed mine to be real and that it should stand up to any scrutiny. I read lots of books, talked to people of different cultures, religions, gay, bi, ex-gay, ex-ex-gay. It took a long time and had to do it at my own pace. It changed my life and deepened my relationship with God.
DO YOUR RESEARCH ON YOUR TERMS. And take the risk to listen rather then argue with people who believe a little differently. God judges the heart and soul not theological doctrine.
You need to go on that kind of journey. What I found is all of us have been brainwashed by our own religions and cultures to some degree. We live in a society with religions resistance to any change that is centered around progress and knowledge. They use the excuse "God does not change!" to retain old, proven false beliefs when God does change how and what God does. It is God's character that is said not to change. You cannot contain God in one man just as you cannot contain any God into one book, The Bible, that is being interpretated against you. Oh! And conveniently minus the historical, cultural and language aspects of the period. This is equivalent to someone in year 3020 interpreting our meaning for the word "lady killer" as a actual killer of ladies.
If you believe God can still speak today, then you need to know those who do not throw out historical, cultural, and language aspects of the Bible do not agree that homosexuality is a sin.
Now, I can sincerely say, if you continue to buy into this, you will continue to notice other ex-gays disappear and accept themselves as gay or simply go a bit nuts. You will continue to feel a deep fracture in yourself you can't quite describe, you will continue to feel lower then others around you, you will continue to divert to dangerous, risky sexual behavior when you just can't take it any more. You will continue to suppress how hypocritical your Church may be toward homosexuals. You'll continue to entertain on occasion if you shouldn't just kill yourself. You'll struggle with the belief that you will never find love or love again. You'll wonder privately if you are going to hell. You may struggle to hold a job, relationships or control your anger or depression.
This isn't a cross that God or the Bible has asked you to bear. Its a cross that others fearful of their own sexuality, prideful in their own self--righteousness have said you must bare in order to be loved, to accept yourself and to heal. Meanwhile, its been years and your still dying inside. So how is this form of "healing" going for you?
And what about the leaders in the movement? I don't know about you but I wouldn't trust them with my heart after I got to know them. So if they are that messed up themselves, why are you trusting them with a highly questionable form of therapy that is more known for the damage it does then the good? I'm not saying it is all bad, or all of them are messed up but rather when it comes down to it...you found yourself fighting for their approval, hem locked out of their clicks and used to make themselves feel they have performed a miracle on you... when in reality you've been more a pawn in a dangerous game.
Realize...they don't know what they are doing. They want to believe they do! Most of the successful ones are bi-sexual themselves you will discover and fearful, even mocking of homosexuality. But don't take my word for it. DO YOUR RESEARCH. Start asking them questions. Play devil's advocate even and note the response you get.
I can tell you after being a participant in Exodus, JIM, PCC and the like for nearly 10+ years that the only ungodly thing is how they are using YOUR sincere wounds to convince you that you have something "unwanted" or bad. That your life journey has made you into something hell bound and you must fight against it.
Take the journey. Learn not just who you are, but who these leaders are, what others say, and then you'll see...You will see who you were formed to be--and you will love yourself and others more and find the freedom you have been looking for.
Don't take my word for it. Even, if you must, do it to prove me wrong, but think it over and see what is out there beyond what you've just been told.
God bless –CNN iReport
Unwanted by God.
Unwanted by Society.
Unwanted by Businesses.
And so you come to believe that you too don't want this. I professed in Church, in therapy, signed agreements for specialized retreats to agree that it was I who didn't want this and time and time again tried different methods to heal and incorporate more "masculinity" in my life to diminish "unwanted same sex" attractions. So maybe you are like me, you've cried till you couldn't physically cry anymore, you've prayed, visualized, done hair raising psycho drama beating pillows, hugging your dead father etc. etc. Not all that bad, but you wrestle with the same thing....you have something called "unwanted". Except for you, its like climbing Mt. Everest to even near rid yourself of. People in your church can gossip, get divorced, and recover. But not you...because your thing is more twisted then rest. They say it is sin like any other sin but yet treat you differently if you begin to talk about it.
I know what you are thinking. Its in the Bible, you feel the presence of God in your life and your convinced homosexuality is a sin. You probably have people right around you that say "hate the sin, love the sinner".
If that's enough for you, then I would ask, how's that working for you? I imagine you are reading this because you are struggling for perhaps several years, you have doubts. I'm going to tell you what helped me and I'm still a Christian today.
I proposed early on my Christian walk and ex-gay walk that I would examine all sides of different faiths and different arguments. This is because I saw everyone outside of my faith as being brainwashed by the culture and "false" religion they grew up in. I believed mine to be real and that it should stand up to any scrutiny. I read lots of books, talked to people of different cultures, religions, gay, bi, ex-gay, ex-ex-gay. It took a long time and had to do it at my own pace. It changed my life and deepened my relationship with God.
DO YOUR RESEARCH ON YOUR TERMS. And take the risk to listen rather then argue with people who believe a little differently. God judges the heart and soul not theological doctrine.
You need to go on that kind of journey. What I found is all of us have been brainwashed by our own religions and cultures to some degree. We live in a society with religions resistance to any change that is centered around progress and knowledge. They use the excuse "God does not change!" to retain old, proven false beliefs when God does change how and what God does. It is God's character that is said not to change. You cannot contain God in one man just as you cannot contain any God into one book, The Bible, that is being interpretated against you. Oh! And conveniently minus the historical, cultural and language aspects of the period. This is equivalent to someone in year 3020 interpreting our meaning for the word "lady killer" as a actual killer of ladies.
If you believe God can still speak today, then you need to know those who do not throw out historical, cultural, and language aspects of the Bible do not agree that homosexuality is a sin.
Now, I can sincerely say, if you continue to buy into this, you will continue to notice other ex-gays disappear and accept themselves as gay or simply go a bit nuts. You will continue to feel a deep fracture in yourself you can't quite describe, you will continue to feel lower then others around you, you will continue to divert to dangerous, risky sexual behavior when you just can't take it any more. You will continue to suppress how hypocritical your Church may be toward homosexuals. You'll continue to entertain on occasion if you shouldn't just kill yourself. You'll struggle with the belief that you will never find love or love again. You'll wonder privately if you are going to hell. You may struggle to hold a job, relationships or control your anger or depression.
This isn't a cross that God or the Bible has asked you to bear. Its a cross that others fearful of their own sexuality, prideful in their own self--righteousness have said you must bare in order to be loved, to accept yourself and to heal. Meanwhile, its been years and your still dying inside. So how is this form of "healing" going for you?
And what about the leaders in the movement? I don't know about you but I wouldn't trust them with my heart after I got to know them. So if they are that messed up themselves, why are you trusting them with a highly questionable form of therapy that is more known for the damage it does then the good? I'm not saying it is all bad, or all of them are messed up but rather when it comes down to it...you found yourself fighting for their approval, hem locked out of their clicks and used to make themselves feel they have performed a miracle on you... when in reality you've been more a pawn in a dangerous game.
Realize...they don't know what they are doing. They want to believe they do! Most of the successful ones are bi-sexual themselves you will discover and fearful, even mocking of homosexuality. But don't take my word for it. DO YOUR RESEARCH. Start asking them questions. Play devil's advocate even and note the response you get.
I can tell you after being a participant in Exodus, JIM, PCC and the like for nearly 10+ years that the only ungodly thing is how they are using YOUR sincere wounds to convince you that you have something "unwanted" or bad. That your life journey has made you into something hell bound and you must fight against it.
Take the journey. Learn not just who you are, but who these leaders are, what others say, and then you'll see...You will see who you were formed to be--and you will love yourself and others more and find the freedom you have been looking for.
Don't take my word for it. Even, if you must, do it to prove me wrong, but think it over and see what is out there beyond what you've just been told.
God bless –CNN iReport
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