Senior Joke Collection

Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, were all excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding, they passed a drugstore. Bob suggested they go in.

Bob asked to speak to the pharmacist. He explained they’re about to get married, and asked, "Do you sell heart medication?"

"Of course we do," the pharmacist replied.

"Medicine for rheumatism?"

"Definitely."

"How about Viagra?"

"Of course."

"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

"Yes, the works."

"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?"

"Absolutely."

"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

"All speeds and sizes."

"Good," Bob said to the pharmacist "We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."

**********

A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor told them that they were physically OK, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asked.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asked.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He said, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she added.

Irritated, he said, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddled off to the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returned from the kitchen and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'

**********

Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:

BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

**********

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great, I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

**********

An elderly man visited the doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape," said the doctor afterward.

"How do you do it?"

"Well," said Mr. Smith, "I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, He even turns the light on for me."

Concerned, the doctor went to Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and told her what her husband said.
"I don’t think that’s anything to worry about," she said. "And on the bright side, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge."

**********

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

**********

Three old guys were out walking.

First one said, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one said, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one said, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer!'

**********

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

**********

And just one more. . .

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Contributed by Ralph